Men & Boys: Violence, Abuse and Barriers to Disclosure
Men and boys can be victims and survivorsRecognising this does not diminish violence against women. It means taking the right to safety seriously for everyone.
This page discusses violence, sexual abuse and childhood abuse
The information is non-graphic, but some people may find the subject matter difficult.
You can leave this page at any time or use the Get Help section if you would like information about support.
Men & Boys: Violence, Abuse and Barriers to Disclosure
Men and boys can be victims and survivorsMen and boys can experience domestic violence, family violence, sexual violence, childhood sexual abuse, coercive control, stalking, financial abuse and other forms of violence.
Recognising this does not diminish the disproportionate violence experienced by women and girls.
It means taking the right to safety seriously for everyone.
A man does not have to prove that his experience is as common as someone else's before it deserves to be taken seriously.
Violence can be gendered without every victim being a woman
Understanding gendered patterns of violence matters.
Women experience domestic, family and sexual violence at disproportionately high rates, and men are responsible for much of the violence recorded against women and other men.
Those realities should inform prevention, policy, services and responses.
They should not mean that a man or boy who experiences violence becomes invisible.
A useful response can hold both truths at once:
Patterns matter. Individual victims matter too.
Why some men do not disclose
Ideas about masculinity can make disclosure particularly difficult.
Men and boys may have grown up hearing that they should be strong, defend themselves, solve their own problems, hide vulnerability or never admit they are frightened.
When violence happens, those messages can become powerful barriers to asking for help.
A man may fear:
- Being laughed at or ridiculed
- Not being believed
- Being told he should have fought back
- Being seen as weak
- Being blamed for what happened
- Being assumed to be the person using violence
- Losing contact with his children
- Having his sexuality questioned
- Being judged because of the gender of the person who harmed him
- Being told the abuse was not serious
- Being dismissed because he is physically larger or stronger
- Retaliation if he speaks
- Making the situation worse
- Not knowing where services for men exist
- Having to explain deeply personal experiences to several different people
Male survivors of sexual violence or childhood abuse may carry shame, confusion or self-blame for years before speaking.
Some never disclose.
Silence does not mean the abuse did not happen.
Strength should never be used as a reason to dismiss someone
Being physically strong does not make someone immune to intimidation, coercion, sexual violence, psychological abuse or fear.
A person may freeze.
They may comply because they are frightened.
They may try to calm the person hurting them.
They may decide that resisting physically could make the situation more dangerous.
They may be protecting children or other family members.
They may be financially dependent on the person using abuse.
They may simply be overwhelmed.
There is no single way a victim is supposed to respond to violence.
Abuse against men can include
Physical violence
Hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, restraining, choking, throwing objects, damaging belongings, using weapons, or threatening physical harm.
Sexual violence
Any sexual activity without freely given consent.
This can include sexual assault, unwanted sexual contact, pressure, threats, coercion or being forced into sexual activity.
Being in a relationship, marriage or sexual relationship with someone does not create permanent consent.
Men have the same right to withdraw consent as anyone else.
Coercive control
A repeated pattern of behaviour used to dominate, intimidate, isolate or control another person.
It may include monitoring movements, restricting independence, controlling everyday decisions, isolating someone from friends or family, threatening consequences or creating fear about what will happen if the person resists.
Individual behaviours may appear insignificant when viewed separately.
The pattern can tell a very different story.
Financial abuse
Controlling access to money, taking wages or benefits, preventing someone from working, creating debt in their name, withholding essential funds, interfering with bank accounts or demanding an explanation for every purchase.
Financial abuse can make leaving or rebuilding independence extremely difficult.
Psychological and emotional abuse
Humiliation, insults, manipulation, gaslighting, intimidation, threats, constant criticism or behaviour intended to undermine confidence, independence or a person's sense of reality.
A person may gradually begin questioning their own judgement or feel they have to constantly change their behaviour to avoid conflict.
Threats involving children
Threatening to take children away, prevent contact, make allegations, harm the children, interfere with parenting relationships or use children to pass messages, gather information or pressure the other parent.
Fear of losing a relationship with their children can be a powerful reason some men remain silent.
Stalking or harassment
Repeatedly following, watching, contacting or intimidating someone in person or online.
It may include unwanted calls or messages, appearing unexpectedly at places the person visits, monitoring routines or using other people to obtain information about them.
Stalking can continue or escalate after a relationship ends.
Technology-facilitated abuse
Using phones, social media, apps, cameras, GPS devices, shared accounts or other technologies to monitor, impersonate, threaten, humiliate or control someone.
It may include demanding passwords, accessing accounts without permission, tracking someone's location or repeatedly contacting them after being asked to stop.
Abuse by family members or carers
Violence does not only occur between intimate partners.
Men may experience violence, neglect, exploitation, intimidation or controlling behaviour from parents, siblings, adult children, extended family members, carers, support workers or other people in positions of trust or responsibility.
Men may experience several of these forms of abuse at the same time. Abuse does not become less serious because the person experiencing it is male, and anyone subjected to violence, coercion or control deserves to be taken seriously.
Men can experience sexual violence
Sexual violence against men is often surrounded by myths about masculinity, sexuality, physical strength and sexual behaviour.
Those myths can make it difficult for survivors to recognise what happened, name it or tell another person.
Consent still applies.
A man can say no.
A man can change his mind.
A man can freeze.
A man can be frightened.
A man can be coerced.
A man can be unable to consent.
And a physical bodily response does not establish consent.
The responsibility remains with the person who chose to engage in sexual activity without freely given consent.
Sexual violence does not define someone's sexuality
Being sexually assaulted by another man does not determine that a man is gay or bisexual.
Being assaulted by a woman does not make the experience less serious.
Sexual orientation does not determine whether an act was consensual.
Sexual violence is about the absence of consent, not the identity of the victim.
LGBTQIA+ men may face additional barriers to disclosure, including fear of outing, discrimination, rejection or having their sexuality used to dismiss what happened.
Related: LGBTQIA+ Communities | Consent | Sexual Violence
Boys can experience childhood sexual abuse
Boys can be sexually abused by adults, adolescents or other people who have access to them.
The person responsible may be a relative, family friend, trusted adult, professional, institutional figure or someone the child knows through community, sporting, educational, religious or online environments.
Like other children, boys may not immediately understand that what is happening is abusive.
They may have been groomed, threatened, manipulated or made to believe that they participated willingly.
They may worry they will be blamed.
They may not have language for what happened.
Some boys disclose during childhood.
Some speak years or decades later.
Some never tell anyone.
The responsibility always belongs to the person who abused the child.
Related: Child Sexual Abuse & Grooming
Distress does not always look like fear
Boys and young men may communicate distress in many different ways.
Some become withdrawn or anxious.
Others may become angry, disruptive or unusually quiet.
Changes may appear in:
- Sleep
- School attendance
- Concentration
- Relationships
- Behaviour
- Risk-taking
- Confidence
- Mood
- Social connection
- Substance use
- Sport or other activities they previously enjoyed
These behaviours do not automatically mean a child has experienced abuse.
They may, however, be a sign that something is happening and that the young person needs curiosity, safety and support rather than immediate judgement.
Related: Children & Young People
Disclosure may happen slowly
A man or boy may not sit down and tell the entire story at once.
Disclosure can happen in fragments.
Someone may test whether another person feels safe before saying more.
They may minimise what happened.
They may use humour.
They may talk about something that happened to "someone else."
They may disclose one part and return to the subject months or years later.
They may change the subject when they feel overwhelmed.
They may also decide they do not want to talk about particular details.
A delayed or incomplete disclosure should not automatically be treated as evidence that the person is being dishonest.
Trauma, fear, shame and uncertainty can all affect how people communicate about violence.
When a man or boy tells you
How someone responds to a disclosure can matter enormously.
You do not need to investigate.
You do not need to have every answer.
Start by listening.
Helpful responses can include:
- Taking what they tell you seriously
- Remaining calm
- Listening without interrogating
- Asking what they need
- Checking whether they feel safe
- Respecting their choices where possible
- Helping them find appropriate professional support
- Avoiding assumptions about who caused the violence
- Avoiding assumptions based on gender, size, sexuality or relationship status
- Recognising that they may need time before deciding what to do next
Avoid questions such as:
"Why didn't you fight back?"
"How could she hurt you?"
"Why didn't you just leave?"
"You're bigger than them. How could you be scared?"
"Are you sure it was assault?"
Questions like these can reinforce the very shame that made disclosure difficult in the first place.
Start with the person, not the stereotype
A service response should not begin by deciding who the victim must be based on gender.
It should begin by listening to what has happened.
Look at patterns of behaviour.
Look at fear.
Look at coercion.
Look at injuries and threats.
Look at control.
Look at the experiences of children.
Look at what happens when one person tries to exercise independence.
Good assessment is more reliable than assumption.
Children can become part of the control
For some fathers, fear about their relationship with their children can become part of the abuse.
Threats may involve custody, parenting arrangements, allegations, withholding contact or telling children damaging things about the other parent.
Post-separation abuse may continue through repeated contact, harassment, financial pressure, legal processes or parenting arrangements.
Separation does not always end coercive control.
For some people, it changes the methods through which the control is exercised.
Related: Coercive Control | Systems & Justice
There is no single experience of being a male survivor
Men and boys are not one group.
Barriers to safety and disclosure may be shaped by age, disability, sexuality, gender identity, cultural background, language, geographic location, financial circumstances, visa status, family relationships or previous experiences with institutions.
For example:
Men with disability may depend on the person harming them for personal care, transport, communication, medication or access to the community.
Older men may experience violence, neglect, coercion or financial exploitation from partners, adult children, relatives or carers.
First Nations men and boys may face additional barriers created by racism, mistrust of institutions, geographic isolation or fear of consequences involving family and community.
Migrant and refugee men may face language barriers, uncertainty about services, visa concerns, financial dependence or fear of authorities.
Gay, bisexual, trans and other LGBTQIA+ men may experience identity-based abuse, outing threats, discrimination or barriers to culturally safe support.
Men in rural and remote communities may have fewer services available and greater concerns about privacy or being recognised when seeking help.
Inclusive services need to recognise these differences rather than assuming every male survivor needs the same response.
Violence can continue affecting someone long after the immediate danger has passed
People respond to trauma differently.
A male survivor may experience:
- Fear or hypervigilance
- Shame
- Difficulty trusting others
- Anger
- Sleep problems
- Isolation
- Difficulty with intimacy
- Problems concentrating
- Changes in relationships
- Financial hardship
- Housing insecurity
- Difficulty at work or study
- Increased use of alcohol or other substances
- Uncertainty about identity or self-worth
There is no correct way to react after violence.
Some people appear to function normally while struggling privately.
Others need significant support.
Recovery does not follow a fixed timeline.
Related: Recovery
Common myths about male victims
MYTH: If he did not fight back, he must have agreed.
REALITY: People may freeze, comply, dissociate, attempt to calm the person hurting them or decide resistance is unsafe. Lack of physical resistance is not consent.
MYTH: A man cannot be sexually assaulted if his body responds.
REALITY: Bodily responses can occur automatically. A physical response does not establish willingness or consent.
MYTH: Abuse by a woman is not serious.
REALITY: Violence, coercion and abuse should be assessed by the behaviour and its impact, not dismissed because of the gender of the person using it.
MYTH: Men who experience sexual assault by another man must be gay.
REALITY: Sexual violence does not determine a person's sexual orientation.
MYTH: Men are always the perpetrators.
REALITY: Men perpetrate a substantial proportion of domestic, family and sexual violence, particularly violence against women. Men can also be victims. Population patterns should inform prevention without being used to predetermine the experience of an individual asking for help.
MYTH: Talking about male victims takes attention away from women.
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Related: Myths vs Reality
Men need somewhere safe to ask for help
A person who reaches out for help should not have to begin by defending whether their experience counts.
Services can improve responses by:
- Using gender-inclusive questions during assessment
- Avoiding assumptions about who is using violence
- Training workers to recognise coercive control affecting male victims
- Understanding male sexual victimisation
- Providing private and confidential ways to seek information
- Recognising the particular barriers faced by boys
- Making referral pathways for male victims visible
- Providing culturally safe and disability-accessible services
- Distinguishing carefully between people experiencing violence and people using violence
- Assessing patterns and context rather than relying on stereotypes
Visibility matters.
When every image, example and piece of language suggests that a victim must look a particular way, people who do not fit that image may decide the service is not for them.
We do not need a competition between victims
Evidence about gendered violence matters.
Women and girls experience particular forms of domestic, family and sexual violence at disproportionate rates. That deserves serious attention, prevention, funding and action.
Men and boys can also experience violence and abuse.
That deserves a serious response too.
Naming male victims should not be used to dismiss violence against women.
And evidence about violence against women should not be used to erase a man or boy standing in front of us asking to be believed.
We can understand population-level patterns while still seeing the individual person.
Safety is not a limited resource.
Dignity is not a competition.
Everyone has the right to live free from violence.
You do not have to decide everything today
If something on this page feels familiar, you do not have to immediately decide what to call it, whether to leave, whether to report it or what should happen next.
You can begin by learning about your options.
If you are concerned about immediate danger, contact emergency services.
If you are not in immediate danger but want information, counselling, safety planning or specialist support, visit our Get Help page for Australian services available to men, women, children, young people and LGBTQIA+ people.
If you are worried about a child, seek appropriate professional advice about child safety and reporting responsibilities in your state or territory.
RELATED CONTENT
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Domestic & Family Violence
Understand the different ways violence, intimidation and control can appear within relationships and families.
Child Sexual Abuse & Grooming
Learn about grooming, secrecy, disclosure and responding safely when a child speaks.
Children & Young People
Explore how violence affects children and why behaviour can sometimes communicate what words cannot.
LGBTQIA+ Communities
Learn about identity-based abuse, outing threats and barriers to inclusive support.
Coercive Control
Learn how patterns of restriction, intimidation and domination can gradually remove a person's freedom.
Sexual Violence
Understand consent, coercion, sexual violence and survivor-centred responses.
Systems & Justice
Explore how services and institutions can protect victim-survivors or compound harm.
Recovery
Learn about safety, healing, choice and the different ways recovery may unfold.