Domestic and family violence is sometimes imagined as a series of physical assaults.

That is only part of the picture.

A person may rarely — or never — be physically assaulted and still live in an environment of fear and control.

They may have to think carefully about what they say, where they go, what they wear, who they speak to, how they spend money or how quickly they answer a message.

They may change their behaviour to avoid anger, punishment, humiliation or violence.

Over time, a person's world can become smaller while the person using abuse gains more control over everyday life.

This is why understanding domestic and family violence requires us to look beyond individual incidents.

A single event may not explain the level of fear someone is living with.

Domestic and family violence often becomes clearer when behaviour is viewed over time.

Ask what has changed.

Has the person become more isolated?

Have they lost access to money?

Are they constantly checking their phone because someone expects an immediate response?

Have they stopped seeing friends?

Are they frightened about what will happen if they disagree?

Do ordinary decisions require permission?

What happens when they resist, challenge the behaviour or try to leave?

Individual behaviours that may appear minor when considered separately can form part of a much larger pattern of domination and control.

The pattern matters.

So does its cumulative impact.

Coercive control is not simply one abusive behaviour.

It is a pattern in which one person repeatedly uses abusive behaviours to dominate, intimidate, isolate or control another person.

The tactics may change over time.

Physical violence may be present, but it is not required for coercive control to exist.

A person may learn that certain actions will have consequences even when no threat is spoken.

They may begin adjusting their own behaviour in anticipation of what the person using abuse might do.

This can create what is sometimes described as living within an invisible set of rules.

Domestic and family violence is not always easy to recognise from outside a relationship.

A person experiencing abuse may appear confident, successful or independent in other areas of life.

They may also love the person who is hurting them.

They may hope the behaviour will change.

They may not describe what is happening as abuse.

What may be more revealing is the amount of fear and adjustment happening underneath everyday life.

Someone may:

• constantly monitor another person's mood
• avoid subjects that might cause anger
• ask permission for ordinary decisions
• become anxious when messages or calls are missed
• explain or minimise another person's behaviour
• withdraw from friends, family or activities
• have little control over money
• become increasingly isolated
• change clothing, routines or behaviour to avoid conflict
• appear frightened about the consequences of disagreeing
• feel responsible for keeping the peace
• believe they will not be believed if they disclose what is happening.

None of these signs alone proves that abuse is occurring.

But patterns of fear, control and loss of freedom deserve attention.

Domestic and family violence can affect people of any gender, age, sexuality, cultural background, religion, income, profession or social position.

It can occur within:

• marriages
• intimate partner relationships
• dating relationships
• former relationships
• same-sex and LGBTQIA+ relationships
• relationships involving people with disability
• relationships between parents and adult children
• extended families
• kinship relationships
• caring relationships
• other family relationships.

Women are disproportionately affected by intimate partner violence and serious domestic violence, particularly violence perpetrated by men.

Recognising this gendered pattern does not require ignoring other victims.

Men can experience domestic and family violence.

LGBTQIA+ people can experience domestic and family violence.

Older people can experience abuse from partners, adult children, relatives or carers.

People with disability may experience abuse that targets their disability, support needs, medication, mobility or access to assistance.

People from migrant or refugee communities may face threats involving visas, immigration status, language barriers or separation from community.

Every victim deserves to be taken seriously.

Children living with domestic and family violence may hear violence, witness injuries, see damaged property, experience threats, intervene during incidents or live with the tension and unpredictability surrounding abuse.

They may also be directly used as part of the abuse.

A person using violence may threaten to take the children, undermine the other parent, question children about what the other parent is doing or use parenting arrangements to maintain control after separation.

Children can experience domestic and family violence as something happening within their own environment — not simply something they witness happening to somebody else.

Its impact may appear through behaviour, emotions, sleep, learning, relationships, anxiety, aggression, withdrawal or heightened alertness to danger.

Different children respond in different ways.

There is no single way a child affected by violence will behave.

Domestic and family violence can affect almost every part of a person's life.

The impact may include:

• fear and hypervigilance
• loss of confidence or self-esteem
• anxiety, distress or trauma responses
• social isolation
• disrupted employment or education
• housing insecurity
• financial hardship or debt
• damaged relationships with family and friends
• loss of independence
• physical injury
• sexual trauma
• ongoing safety concerns
• legal and parenting difficulties
• difficulty trusting other people
• disruption to children's lives and relationships.

Some consequences may continue long after the abusive relationship has ended.

Recovery does not follow a timetable.

Victims are often asked what they could have done differently.

Why didn't they leave?

Why did they go back?

Why didn't they report it?

Why did they stay so long?

These questions place attention on the behaviour of the person experiencing violence rather than the person choosing to use it.

A person is never responsible for somebody else's decision to abuse, threaten, intimidate or control them.

The responsibility for abusive behaviour belongs with the person using it.

"Why didn't they just leave?" sounds like a simple question.

The reality may be anything but simple.

Leaving can involve decisions about safety, housing, money, employment, children, pets, transport, disability support, immigration status, family relationships and access to essential documents.

A person may have been isolated from everyone who could help them.

They may have no independent access to money.

They may fear losing their children.

They may have been threatened with violence, homelessness, deportation, exposure or retaliation.

They may believe the threats because previous attempts to resist have resulted in escalation.

They may also still love the person using abuse or hope the relationship can become safe.

And leaving does not necessarily end the danger.

Separation is often spoken about as though it is the end of domestic and family violence.

For some victims, it is the beginning of a different phase.

Control may continue through stalking, repeated contact, financial abuse, technology, threats, legal processes, property disputes or parenting arrangements.

The tactics may change because the person using abuse no longer has the same access to the victim.

That is why the question should not simply be:

"Why don't they leave?"

A better question is:

"What would make this person safer — now and over time?"

A person experiencing domestic and family violence may remain silent for many reasons.

They may:

• fear retaliation
• fear they will not be believed
• feel ashamed
• blame themselves
• worry about what will happen to their children
• fear police, courts or other systems
• depend financially on the person using abuse
• have nowhere safe to go
• fear losing family or community support
• worry about immigration consequences
• have had previous experiences of not being believed
• not yet recognise the behaviour as abuse
• simply not feel ready to talk.

Silence does not mean the harm is minor.

And disclosure should not become another situation in which control is taken away from the person experiencing abuse.

How we respond matters.

You do not need to investigate or solve everything.

Start by listening.

Take what they tell you seriously.

Avoid demanding explanations for why they stayed or why they have not reported the abuse.

Avoid confronting the person using violence unless specialist advice indicates that doing so is safe.

Support the person's choices wherever possible.

Useful responses can include:

"I believe you."

"You don't deserve to be treated this way."

"What would help you feel safer?"

"What would you like me to do?"

Safety, dignity and choice matter.

Instead of:

"Why didn't they leave?"

Ask:

"What made leaving unsafe or difficult?"

Instead of:

"Why did they let this happen?"

Ask:

"Why did the person using abuse choose to behave this way?"

Instead of:

"Why didn't they report it?"

Ask:

"What might have made reporting unsafe or inaccessible?"

The language we use can either reinforce victim-blaming or make responsibility clearer.

No relationship conflict, disagreement, behaviour, clothing, financial decision, sexual history or decision to stay or leave makes someone responsible for another person's violence or abuse.

People using violence make choices about their behaviour.

Responsibility belongs with them.