LGBTQIA+ Communities: Violence, Abuse & Inclusive Safety
Violence can occur in any relationshipLGBTQIA+ people can experience domestic, family and sexual violence, coercive control, stalking, harassment and abuse.
Many of the behaviours are the same as those experienced in any abusive relationship: intimidation, isolation, humiliation, surveillance, financial control, threats and physical or sexual violence.
But abuse may also target a person's sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, sex characteristics, privacy, relationships, family acceptance or connection to community.
A person's identity does not cause abuse. Responsibility belongs to the person choosing to use abusive behaviour.
Abuse can use identity as a weapon
LGBTQIA+ people are not one community with one experience.
People may have very different relationships with their sexuality, gender, bodies, families, cultures and communities.
For some people, being LGBTQIA+ may have little connection to the abuse they experience.
For others, an abusive person may deliberately exploit identity, prejudice or the possibility of discrimination as part of a wider pattern of control.
They may know what the victim-survivor fears losing: family relationships, employment, housing, community acceptance, privacy, healthcare or personal safety.
Those fears can then become tools of coercion.
This is why understanding the pattern and context of the behaviour matters.
What identity-based abuse can look like
Threatening to out someone
An abusive person may threaten to reveal someone's sexuality, gender identity, trans status, relationship or other private information without their consent.
The threat may involve family members, friends, an employer, school, community, religious organisation or social media.
For someone who fears rejection, discrimination, violence, homelessness or losing important relationships, the threat of disclosure can become a powerful form of control.
No one should be forced to disclose part of their identity because another person is using it against them.
Deliberately using the wrong name or pronouns
Repeatedly misgendering someone or deliberately using a name they no longer use may be used as a form of humiliation, degradation or control.
The issue is not an occasional mistake.
It becomes abusive when it forms part of intentional behaviour designed to undermine someone's identity, dignity or sense of self.
An abusive person may also mock someone's appearance, body, gender expression or transition.
Controlling access to identity documents, clothing, medication or affirming support
An abusive person may interfere with medication, appointments, gender-affirming healthcare, mobility, clothing or other things that allow someone to live safely and authentically.
They may hide medication, refuse transport to appointments, withhold money needed for healthcare or deliberately prevent someone from accessing affirming services.
Interfering with another person's health, bodily autonomy or identity can become part of a broader pattern of coercive control.
Passports, birth certificates, licences, healthcare cards, immigration documents and other forms of identification can be deliberately hidden, withheld or destroyed.
For some LGBTQIA+ people, identity documents may also contain information they are trying to update or keep private.
Controlling important documents can restrict someone's independence, ability to travel, access services, secure housing, manage finances or leave an abusive situation.
Threatening disclosure to family, community or workplace
An abusive person may threaten to tell relatives, friends, cultural communities, religious communities or others about someone's sexuality, gender identity or relationship.
The person may already know that disclosure could lead to rejection or conflict.
The threat does not have to be carried out to create fear.
Sometimes the possibility alone is enough to make someone comply.
Someone may threaten to disclose private information to an employer, colleagues, customers or professional networks.
They may claim that disclosure will damage the person's career or reputation.
Where a victim-survivor has previously experienced discrimination, they may believe these threats could have serious consequences.
Exploiting fear of discrimination by police, courts, health or support services
An abusive person may tell someone:
"You know the police won't take you seriously."
"No refuge will accept you."
"They won't understand our relationship."
"They'll blame you."
"No one will believe you."
These statements can make someone afraid to approach police, healthcare providers, courts or support services.
Previous experiences of discrimination may make these threats particularly effective.
Using stereotypes to convince someone they will not be believed
Abusive people may rely on stereotypes about gender, sexuality or relationships to minimise what they are doing.
They may claim that violence between two men is simply a fight.
They may suggest that abuse cannot occur between women.
They may assume a trans person will not be recognised as a victim-survivor.
They may tell a bisexual person that no one will believe them.
Violence is not made less serious because of the genders or sexualities of the people involved.
Isolating someone from affirming friends or community
Friends, chosen family and community connections can be particularly important sources of belonging and support.
An abusive person may try to destroy those connections.
They might criticise friends, create conflict, prevent attendance at community events, monitor communication, control transport or pressure someone to stop seeing particular people.
As isolation increases, the victim-survivor may become increasingly dependent on the abusive person.
Using someone's identity against them
An abusive person may repeatedly tell someone that their identity makes them unwanted, undesirable, shameful or difficult to love.
They might claim no one else would want them or that they should be grateful for the relationship.
Over time, these messages can undermine confidence and make leaving or seeking support feel much harder.
Abuse in LGBTQIA+ relationships can involve many of the same behaviours seen in any abusive relationship, including physical violence, sexual violence, financial abuse, coercive control, stalking and psychological abuse. It can also involve tactics that specifically exploit a person’s sexuality, gender identity, privacy, community connections or fear of discrimination.
Family violence does not only happen between intimate partners
LGBTQIA+ people may experience abuse from parents, siblings, extended family members, carers or other people within a family or household.
The abuse may be connected to sexuality, gender identity, gender expression or sex characteristics.
It can include:
- Rejection accompanied by threats, intimidation or violence
- Being forced from the family home
- Financial control or withdrawal of essential support
- Monitoring communication or friendships
- Destroying clothing or personal belongings
- Preventing someone from expressing their identity
- Threatening to disclose private information
- Restricting healthcare or support
- Religious, cultural or family pressure intended to suppress someone's identity
- Verbal abuse, degradation or humiliation
- Physical or sexual violence
- Attempts to isolate someone from supportive people or communities
Disagreement or difficulty within a family is not automatically family violence.
The concern is behaviour that creates fear, harm, intimidation, coercion or control.
Family can mean more than biological relatives
For some LGBTQIA+ people, chosen family, friends and community networks provide important emotional, practical and social support.
These relationships can be particularly significant for someone who has experienced rejection from their family of origin.
An abusive person may understand how important those connections are and deliberately try to sever them.
Preventing someone from attending community events, contacting friends, participating in social groups or maintaining relationships with chosen family can be a form of isolation.
Healthy relationships do not require someone to abandon the people and communities that support them.
Control may not initially look like violence
Coercive control often develops through repeated behaviours rather than one obvious incident.
Someone may gradually begin controlling:
- Who their partner sees
- Where they go
- What they wear
- Their social media
- Their phone or passwords
- Their money
- Their healthcare
- Their work or study
- Their connection with community
- When and how they disclose their identity
- Their contact with friends or family
Over time, the person's freedom becomes smaller.
Look at what the behaviour is doing
A useful question is not only:
"What happened?"
Also ask:
"What effect is this behaviour having on the person's freedom?"
Are they becoming frightened?
Are they changing their behaviour to avoid consequences?
Are they losing access to money, people, places or services?
Do they feel watched?
Do they need permission for ordinary decisions?
Do they fear what will happen if they say no?
The pattern can reveal coercive control even when individual incidents seem minor when viewed separately.
Consent applies in every relationship
Sexuality, relationship status, marriage, previous sexual activity or gender does not create automatic consent.
Consent must be freely given, specific and ongoing.
A person can change their mind.
They can consent to one activity and not another.
They can withdraw consent after sexual activity has started.
Sexual violence can occur in LGBTQIA+ relationships just as it can in any other relationship.
Pressure, threats, intimidation, fear, manipulation or exploitation of someone's vulnerability can undermine genuine consent.
No one owes another person sexual access because they are partners, dating, married or have had sex before.
Technology can extend control beyond the relationship
Phones, apps, social media, shared accounts and location services can be used to monitor, intimidate or harass someone.
Technology-facilitated abuse may include:
- Tracking someone's location
- Demanding passwords
- Reading messages
- Impersonating someone online
- Creating fake profiles
- Contacting friends, family or employers
- Sharing private information
- Threatening to disclose someone's identity
- Posting intimate images without consent
- Repeated unwanted messaging
- Monitoring dating apps or social media accounts
- Using shared devices or accounts to track activity
Digital abuse can continue after separation and may be part of stalking or post-separation coercive control.
Do not assume based on gender, size or appearance
One of the dangers of relying on stereotypes is that the wrong person may be identified as the victim or the person using violence.
Gender alone does not tell us what is happening in a relationship.
Neither does someone's physical size, masculinity, femininity, personality or how distressed they appear during a particular incident.
A person experiencing abuse may be angry, defensive or frightened.
They may have resisted violence or tried to protect themselves.
They may not present in the way someone expects a victim to behave.
Effective responses look beyond assumptions and consider:
- Patterns of behaviour
- Fear and intimidation
- Coercive control
- Who is restricting whose freedom
- History and context
- Threats
- Stalking or surveillance
- Financial control
- Sexual violence
- Post-separation behaviour
- The impact of the behaviour on each person
The goal should be to identify the pattern of power, coercion and harm — not simply decide who fits a stereotype.
Barriers to seeking help
Why someone may hesitate to seek support
Seeking help can be difficult for any victim-survivor. LGBTQIA+ people may also encounter additional concerns.
Fear of not being believed
A person may fear that police, family, friends or services will not recognise abuse within their relationship.
They may worry that stereotypes about gender or sexuality will affect how their experience is understood.
Previous discrimination
Someone who has experienced homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, intersex discrimination or other forms of prejudice may be understandably cautious about approaching another institution.
An abusive person may deliberately reinforce this fear.
Fear of being outed
Seeking support may require discussing a relationship or identity that the person has not disclosed elsewhere.
They may worry about confidentiality or information reaching family members, employers or communities.
Fear of losing community
For someone whose social network is relatively small or closely connected, disclosing abuse can feel particularly difficult.
The victim-survivor and abusive person may share friends, social spaces or community connections.
Someone may fear being isolated, disbelieved or forced to leave an important community.
Concern that services will not understand
A person may worry that a service will make assumptions about their relationship, gender, body or identity.
They may fear having to repeatedly explain terminology or defend their identity before they can even begin discussing the violence.
Previous negative experiences with services
Someone who has previously been dismissed, misgendered, discriminated against or treated poorly may be reluctant to seek help again.
This makes inclusive and respectful responses particularly important.
A poor response can close a door that was already difficult to open.
Financial, housing or practical dependence
Leaving an abusive situation may mean risking housing, income, healthcare, transport, pets, community connections or other forms of support.
These barriers can affect anyone experiencing violence, but discrimination in housing, employment or services may add another layer of concern for some LGBTQIA+ people.
No one experiences violence through one part of their identity
LGBTQIA+ people may also experience inequality or barriers connected to disability, age, culture, race, migration status, poverty, geographic isolation or other circumstances.
These experiences can overlap.
For example, someone may be dealing simultaneously with abuse, disability-related dependence, racism and fear of discrimination connected to their sexuality or gender identity.
Someone living in a rural or remote area may have few specialist services and may also be concerned about confidentiality in a small community.
Inclusive support means seeing the whole person rather than reducing someone to a single characteristic.
A person should not have to choose between safety and identity
Seeking help should not require someone to hide who they are.
Inclusive domestic, family and sexual violence services should be able to respond respectfully without assuming:
- The gender of someone's partner
- Who is using violence
- Who is experiencing violence
- How someone describes their relationship
- What someone's body looks like
- Whether someone has disclosed their identity elsewhere
- What family means to them
The first response to disclosure can matter enormously.
People should be heard, treated with dignity and given information about their options without judgement.
What inclusive practice looks like
Listen without assumptions
Let the person describe their relationship and their experience in their own words.
Respect names and pronouns
Use the language the person uses for themselves.
Protect confidentiality
Never assume that someone's sexuality, gender identity, trans status or relationship is information that can be shared with other people.
Recognise chosen family
Support networks may include people who are not legally or biologically related.
Understand identity-based abuse
Threats of outing, deliberate misgendering, withholding affirming healthcare and isolation from community can form part of coercive control.
Identify behaviour, not stereotypes
Assess patterns of fear, coercion, control and harm rather than relying on assumptions about gender.
Provide choices
Good support gives victim-survivors information and options wherever possible rather than taking control away from them again.
If someone tells you they are experiencing abuse
You do not need to understand every aspect of someone's identity to respond with care.
You can:
- Listen
- Believe what they are telling you
- Avoid questioning why they stayed
- Respect their privacy
- Use the language they use for themselves and their relationships
- Ask what support they want
- Avoid contacting the abusive person
- Help them find an appropriate specialist service if they want assistance
- Respect their decisions unless there is an immediate safety emergency
Do not pressure someone to disclose their sexuality or gender identity to other people as part of seeking help.
The decision to disclose belongs to them.
LGBTQIA+ people deserve the same thing everyone deserves: safety without having to surrender who they are
Violence is violence regardless of the genders, sexualities or identities of the people involved.
Abuse may exploit identity, prejudice, isolation or fear of discrimination, but responsibility remains with the person choosing to use abusive behaviour.
Victim-survivors should be able to seek support without having their identities questioned, minimised or used against them.