Violence Myths vs Reality | Safety From Violence Is A Right™

REALITY: Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely difficult and, in some circumstances, separation can increase danger.

A person may be weighing many risks at the same time.

They may fear:

• escalating violence
• threats to kill them, their children, pets or family members
• stalking or harassment
• losing their home
• financial insecurity
• losing access to children
• immigration consequences
• social isolation
• retaliation after leaving

Leaving is not a single moment. It can be a complicated process involving planning, attempts to leave, returning, seeking support and trying again.

Instead of asking why someone stayed, ask what made leaving difficult or unsafe.

REALITY: Returning to a relationship does not mean the violence was insignificant.

A person may return because they have nowhere safe to live, no independent income, children with the abusive person, limited support or fear of what will happen if they stay away.

The person using violence may apologise, promise to change, threaten consequences or temporarily change their behaviour.

Victims may also still love the person harming them.

Human relationships do not become emotionally simple because abuse is occurring.

Returning does not erase the violence.

REALITY: Domestic and family violence can affect people of different genders, sexual orientations, ages and backgrounds.

Women experience particular and often disproportionate forms of gender-based violence, including intimate partner violence and sexual violence.

Men can also experience domestic and family violence.

LGBTQIA+ people can experience intimate partner violence and identity-based forms of abuse.

Children can be directly harmed by violence within families.

Recognising one group's experiences does not require denying another's.

Everyone deserves safety and an appropriate response when violence occurs.

REALITY: Physical strength does not protect someone from coercive control, psychological abuse, sexual violence, stalking, financial abuse, threats or fear.

A male victim may be threatened with:

• false allegations
• loss of contact with children
• humiliation
• exposure of private information
• financial consequences
• harm to someone he cares about

He may also fear that he will be laughed at, disbelieved or assumed to be the aggressor.

Being physically capable of defending yourself does not mean you can safely stop abuse.

REALITY: Men and boys can experience sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape and other forms of sexual violence.

Sexual violence is about the absence of consent.

Physical reactions do not equal consent.

Freezing does not equal consent.

Not physically resisting does not equal consent.

Being intoxicated, frightened, manipulated or unable to safely resist does not make someone responsible for what was done to them.

Male victims deserve to be believed and supported without ridicule or assumptions about masculinity.

REALITY: Domestic, family and sexual violence can occur in LGBTQIA+ relationships and can be severe.

Some abusive behaviours may specifically target a person's sexuality, gender identity, gender expression or community connections.

This can include:

• threatening to out someone
• deliberately misgendering or humiliating them
• withholding identity documents
• controlling access to gender-affirming medication or support
• exploiting fear of discrimination
• threatening disclosure to family, employers or community members
• isolating someone from affirming friends or services

Violence does not become less harmful because the people involved are the same gender or because their relationship does not fit traditional stereotypes.

REALITY: Domestic and family violence can occur without physical assault.

It can include:

• coercive control
• psychological abuse
• emotional abuse
• sexual violence
• financial abuse
• stalking
• surveillance
• technological abuse
• threats
• intimidation
• isolation
• reproductive coercion
• damage to property
• abuse involving children or pets

A person may live in constant fear without ever having visible injuries.

The absence of bruises does not mean the absence of violence.

REALITY: Visible injury is only one indicator of harm.

Violence can affect a person's:

• mental health
• physical health
• financial security
• housing
• employment
• parenting
• relationships
• confidence
• independence
• sense of safety

Someone may also deliberately use forms of violence that leave little visible evidence.

Risk should never be assessed solely by whether injuries can be seen.

REALITY: Ongoing contact can occur for many reasons.

A victim may still need to communicate because of:

• children
• court proceedings
• shared property
• finances
• pets
• housing
• employment
• family responsibilities
• cultural or community relationships

The person using violence may also continue unwanted contact through messages, stalking, harassment or third parties.

Contact does not automatically mean safety.

It does not automatically mean reconciliation.

And it does not mean previous violence did not occur.

REALITY: People respond to fear and trauma in many different ways.

Someone may remain polite, calm or friendly because they are trying to reduce danger.

They may continue communicating because they fear escalation if they stop.

They may minimise what happened.

They may still care about the person.

They may be trying to maintain stability for children.

There is no single way a victim is supposed to behave after experiencing violence.

REALITY: Children may delay disclosure for days, months or years.

Some never disclose during childhood.

A child may be experiencing:

• fear
• grooming
• confusion
• shame
• threats
• loyalty to the person harming them
• concern about what will happen to their family
• fear they will not be believed
• difficulty finding words for what happened

Children may also disclose indirectly through behaviour, drawings, questions, fragmented statements or changes in emotional wellbeing.

Delayed disclosure does not mean a child is lying.

REALITY: Children often understand relationships through the environments in which they grow up.

If controlling, frightening or violent behaviour is normalised within the household, a child may not recognise that it is abusive.

Grooming can also deliberately blur boundaries and make harmful behaviour appear normal, affectionate, secret or deserved.

Children should not be expected to identify abuse using adult concepts before adults take their concerns seriously.

REALITY: Children can be deeply affected by domestic and family violence even when violence is not directed physically at them.

They may:

• hear threats or assaults
• see injuries or property damage
• intervene during incidents
• try to protect siblings or a parent
• change their behaviour to avoid triggering conflict
• be used to monitor or control another parent
• experience instability, fear or sudden changes in housing
• continue experiencing coercion after separation

Children may adapt to living with danger in ways adults later misinterpret as behavioural problems.

Their responses may be survival responses.

REALITY: Many people never report violence to police.

Reasons may include:

• fear of retaliation
• shame
• concerns about being believed
• previous negative experiences with authorities
• financial dependence
• concerns about children
• fear of discrimination
• immigration concerns
• disability-related barriers
• fear of community consequences
• uncertainty about whether what happened is considered a crime

Reporting behaviour is not a reliable measure of whether violence occurred.

REALITY: Memory after frightening or traumatic experiences may not always work like a chronological recording.

Someone may remember particular sensory details vividly while struggling with sequence, timing or other details.

A person may also disclose information gradually as they feel safer, understand what happened or remember additional details.

Inconsistency should be considered carefully and fairly.

It should not automatically be treated as proof that violence did not occur.

REALITY: There is no single correct way to respond to violence.

A victim may:

• cry
• appear calm
• become angry
• joke
• minimise what happened
• continue working
• remain in the relationship
• leave immediately
• return
• report
• never report
• speak publicly
• tell almost no one

People respond to fear, trauma, attachment and survival differently.

Credibility should not depend on whether someone matches a stereotype of how a victim is expected to behave.

REALITY: Sexual violence can be perpetrated by someone the victim knows.

That may include a:

• partner
• spouse
• date
• friend
• relative
• colleague
• acquaintance
• caregiver
• person in a position of trust or authority

Knowing someone does not create automatic consent.

A previous sexual relationship does not create permanent consent.

REALITY: Consent remains necessary within dating, relationships and marriage.

Being someone's partner does not create an entitlement to sexual activity.

Consent should be freely given, informed, specific and ongoing.

A person can change their mind.

Consent to one activity is not consent to another.

Consent yesterday is not consent today.

And agreement obtained through fear, threats, manipulation or coercion is not freely given consent.

REALITY: The absence of a verbal "no" does not automatically mean someone has freely agreed.

Fear can cause people to freeze, comply, become silent or focus on getting through an unsafe situation.

Consent is not something that should be inferred from a person's failure to resist.

The responsibility is to ensure there is genuine, voluntary agreement.

REALITY: Alcohol can affect behaviour and may increase the severity or frequency of some incidents, but alcohol does not excuse violence.

Most people who drink alcohol do not abuse their partners or sexually assault others.

Responsibility remains with the person who chooses to use violence.

Substance use can be part of the context.

It should not replace accountability.

REALITY: Financial pressure, unemployment, relationship conflict, mental distress and other stresses can affect people's behaviour, but they do not make abuse inevitable.

Many people experience extreme stress without controlling, terrorising or assaulting others.

Stress may contribute to circumstances surrounding violence.

It does not remove responsibility for abusive behaviour.

REALITY: Persistent jealousy can become a form of control.

It may involve:

• demanding access to phones
• monitoring social media
• questioning friendships
• restricting clothing
• controlling where someone goes
• tracking location
• making accusations
• isolating someone from other people

Concern and affection do not require ownership.

A healthy relationship allows both people autonomy, privacy and relationships outside the partnership.

REALITY: People who use violence may behave very differently in public and private.

They may be:

• charming
• respected
• successful
• generous
• popular
• helpful
• calm around other people

This can make disclosure even harder because the victim may fear nobody will believe that the person others admire behaves differently behind closed doors.

Public reputation does not prove private behaviour.

REALITY: Some abusive behaviour involves deliberate patterns of control.

A person may choose:

• when violence occurs
• who sees it
• where injuries are inflicted
• what property is damaged
• how finances are restricted
• how technology is used for surveillance
• which threats will create the most fear

Describing abuse only as someone "losing control" can hide the control being exercised over another person.

REALITY: Separation does not always end violence or coercive control.

Post-separation abuse may include:

• stalking
• repeated unwanted contact
• threats
• technology-facilitated abuse
• financial abuse
• property damage
• harassment through friends or relatives
• abuse through legal processes
• using children as a means of control
• withholding money or belongings
• damaging someone's reputation

For some victims, separation is not the end of abuse.

It is a change in how the abuse is carried out.