How to Support Someone Experiencing Violence or Abuse
You do not need the perfect words to be supportiveWhen someone tells you they are experiencing violence, abuse, coercion or control, you may feel shocked, frightened, angry or unsure what to say.
You do not need to solve everything.
Being calm, respectful, willing to listen and prepared to believe that something is wrong can matter enormously.
Sometimes one safe person can make a significant difference.
FIRST RESPONSE
How you respond to a disclosure matters
Telling someone about abuse can be difficult.
A person may have spent months or years questioning what is happening, minimising it, hiding it, blaming themselves or fearing what will happen if anyone finds out.
They may also be watching your reaction very carefully.
Try to respond in a way that communicates:
I believe you.
I am listening.
You do not deserve to be treated this way.
You do not have to make every decision today.
How can I support you?
You do not need to know exactly what to do next.
Your first responsibility is not to fix the situation. It is to respond without judgement and help the person feel heard.
WHAT HELPS
Helpful responses
Listen without interrogating
Allow the person to tell you what they want to tell you in their own way.
You may have many questions, but avoid turning the conversation into an investigation.
Questions such as:
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Why did you go back?”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Why didn’t you call the police?”
can sound like blame, even when that is not your intention.
A better question may be:
“What would be most helpful for you right now?”
Take concerns seriously
You may not have witnessed the behaviour yourself.
The person using abuse may also appear charming, generous, respected or completely different around other people.
That does not mean the disclosure is untrue.
Many forms of abuse happen privately and may be deliberately hidden from family, friends, colleagues and professionals.
Avoid blaming them for staying, returning or delaying disclosure
Leaving abuse is rarely one simple decision.
Fear, children, housing, finances, disability, immigration status, isolation, threats, pets, employment, trauma, emotional attachment and concerns about escalation can all affect someone's choices.
A person may leave and return several times.
They may not be ready to leave at all.
Supporting someone means recognising that their circumstances may be more complicated than they appear from the outside.
Ask what support would be useful
Do not assume that you know what the person needs.
They may want someone to listen.
They may need somewhere safe to make a phone call.
They may want help finding information.
They may need transport, childcare, somewhere to store documents or someone to accompany them to an appointment.
Ask rather than decide for them.
Respect their decisions
Violence and coercive control often involve another person taking away someone's autonomy.
Support should not recreate that dynamic.
Unless there is an immediate safety issue, child protection obligation or another legal requirement that changes what must happen, try not to take control of decisions that belong to the victim-survivor.
You can offer information, options and support without deciding what they must do.
Offer practical help you can realistically sustain
Small, dependable offers can be more useful than promises you cannot maintain.
You might offer to:
- provide transport
- look after children for an appointment
- store copies of important documents
- help research specialist services
- accompany them to a service or appointment
- provide a safe place to make a phone call
- check in at agreed times
- help with practical tasks during a stressful period
Be clear about what you can and cannot reasonably do.
Encourage specialist support
Friends and family can provide valuable emotional and practical support, but you do not need to become the person's counsellor, lawyer, safety planner or case worker.
Specialist domestic, family and sexual violence services can help people understand their options and consider safety in their individual circumstances.
You can offer to help locate services, but avoid forcing contact unless an immediate safety issue requires intervention.
Maintain appropriate confidentiality
Do not share someone's disclosure simply because you are worried or want advice from others.
Loss of control over personal information can feel deeply violating and, in some circumstances, disclosure may increase risk.
There may be situations where confidentiality cannot be maintained, particularly where a child is at risk or there is an immediate threat to someone's life or safety.
Where possible, explain what you intend to do and why.
BELIEVE WITHOUT NEEDING EVERY DETAIL
They do not owe you proof before they deserve support
People experiencing abuse may tell their story in fragments.
They may remember things later.
They may minimise what happened.
They may describe something serious very calmly or laugh while talking about something painful.
They may contradict themselves about dates or minor details.
Trauma, fear, shame and the passage of time can affect how people talk about difficult experiences.
You do not need to conduct an investigation before offering compassion.
If formal allegations are made, appropriate authorities and professionals have their own processes for determining evidence and legal responsibility.
Your role as a supporter is different.
AVOID
Do not make yourself the investigator
Supporting someone does not require you to determine exactly what happened, gather evidence, question witnesses, confront the alleged perpetrator or manage the entire situation yourself.
Trying to investigate can place enormous pressure on both you and the person you are trying to support.
It can also interfere with professional or legal processes.
Listen, document information only where appropriate, encourage specialist advice and allow relevant professionals to perform their roles.
CONFRONTATION
Confronting the person using violence may increase risk
You may feel furious.
You may want to call the person, expose them, threaten them or demand that they stop.
That reaction is understandable.
But confrontation can sometimes make a dangerous situation more dangerous.
The person using violence may retaliate, increase surveillance, isolate the victim further or punish them for disclosing.
Before taking action that could alert the person using violence, consider whether it could affect the victim-survivor's safety.
Specialist services can help think through safer options.
DO NOT ISSUE ULTIMATUMS
“Leave or I cannot help you” can deepen isolation
Supporting someone experiencing abuse can be frustrating.
You may watch someone remain in a relationship that frightens you.
They may return after leaving.
They may defend the person hurting them.
They may change their mind repeatedly.
Try not to respond with ultimatums.
Statements such as:
“If you go back, don't call me again.”
“I've told you what to do.”
“You obviously don't want help.”
can leave someone even more isolated.
Abuse often works by separating people from their support networks.
Maintaining a safe connection can be important, even when you disagree with the person's decisions.
You are still allowed to have boundaries around what you can provide.
WHEN THEY ARE NOT READY TO LEAVE
Support does not have to depend on leaving
Someone can deserve support even if they are not ready, willing or able to leave.
You can still:
- listen
- help them recognise concerning behaviour
- encourage specialist advice
- discuss ways they might increase safety
- keep communication open
- remind them that abuse is not their responsibility
- remain someone they can contact
Leaving can be a particularly dangerous period in some abusive relationships.
It should not automatically be treated as a simple or risk-free solution.
TECHNOLOGY AND COMMUNICATION
Consider whether communication is safe
People using coercive control may monitor phones, emails, social media, location services, bank accounts or online activity.
Before sending information about domestic violence services or discussing plans by text, consider whether the device or account could be monitored.
You might ask:
“Is it safe for me to message you about this?”
Agreeing on a neutral phrase, safe contact method or appropriate time to communicate may help.
If you suspect technology-facilitated abuse, specialist advice may be useful before changing devices, passwords or settings because sudden changes can sometimes alert the person monitoring them.
PRACTICAL SAFETY
If they are concerned about safety
Safety planning should reflect the person's individual circumstances.
You can encourage them to consider things such as:
- who they could contact in an emergency
- where they could go if they needed to leave quickly
- access to medication
- important documents
- children's needs
- transport
- money and banking access
- pets
- technology and device safety
- trusted neighbours, friends or relatives
- workplace safety where relevant
A specialist service can help develop a safety plan appropriate to the person's situation.
If there appears to be immediate danger
If you believe someone is in immediate danger, emergency intervention may be necessary.
In Australia, call 000 for police, ambulance or fire in an emergency.
Where there is no immediate emergency, specialist support services can help you and the person experiencing violence consider available options.
CHILDREN
Children need to be considered as people experiencing the environment too
Children living with domestic and family violence are not simply witnesses to adult behaviour.
They may hear violence, see injuries, experience threats, become involved in incidents, attempt to protect a parent, have their routines disrupted or live with persistent fear and unpredictability.
If children are involved, their physical and emotional safety must also be considered.
There may also be legal or professional obligations to report concerns about a child's safety depending on the circumstances and your role.
Where you are unsure, seek advice from an appropriate child protection, legal or specialist service.
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Children & Young People
SUPPORTING SOMEONE AT WORK
Colleagues and workplaces can also be part of the safety network
Domestic and family violence does not remain neatly outside the workplace.
A colleague may be receiving threatening messages, experiencing stalking, struggling with attendance, having wages controlled or worrying that the person using violence will appear at work.
If someone discloses abuse in a workplace:
- listen privately
- respect confidentiality
- avoid pressing for unnecessary details
- explain any workplace policies or support available
- involve appropriate personnel where necessary
- consider workplace safety where there is a known risk
Managers and employers should be particularly careful not to treat the effects of violence as simply a performance problem without considering what may be happening behind them.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
What NOT to say
“Why didn't you just leave?”
Leaving may be difficult, dangerous, financially impossible or emotionally complex.
Try:
“What is making things difficult for you at the moment?”
“I would never put up with that.”
This can unintentionally imply that the victim-survivor has failed because they did.
Try:
“You did not deserve to be treated that way.”
“Are you sure it was really abuse?”
Questioning someone's interpretation immediately after disclosure can silence them.
Try:
“That sounds frightening. Do you want to tell me more?”
“You have to report it.”
Reporting may be one option, but it is not always straightforward and may not be what the person wants.
Try:
“Would you like information about your options?”
“Just tell me what happened.”
No one owes another person every detail of their trauma.
Try:
“Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.”
“But they seem so nice.”
Abusive behaviour may not be visible to outsiders.
Try:
“I am sorry this has been happening.”
WHEN THEY RETURN
Returning does not mean the abuse was not serious
One of the hardest experiences for supporters can be seeing someone return to a person who has harmed them.
It can be tempting to withdraw support out of frustration.
But returning can happen for many reasons.
A person may hope things will change.
They may be worried about their children.
They may have nowhere else to live.
They may be financially dependent.
They may be frightened about what separation will trigger.
They may love the person while also fearing them.
Human relationships do not become emotionally simple because abuse is present.
You can disagree with their decision without humiliating or abandoning them.
WHEN YOU DISAGREE WITH THEIR CHOICES
Support does not mean agreeing with everything
You can care about someone while recognising the limits of what you can control.
You might say:
“I am worried about you, but I respect that this is your decision.”
“I may not always know what to say, but you can still talk to me.”
“I cannot make this decision for you, but I can help you find information.”
Support is not the same as approval.
It is maintaining dignity, connection and realistic boundaries.
YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES
You are allowed to have limits too
Supporting someone through violence or abuse can be emotionally exhausting.
You may feel frightened, angry, helpless or responsible for what happens next.
You are not required to make yourself available every hour of every day.
It is reasonable to decide what practical, emotional or financial support you can realistically provide.
You might say:
“I care about you and I want to support you, but I cannot safely provide accommodation.”
or:
“I am not able to answer calls overnight, but let's work out who you could contact if you need urgent help.”
Clear boundaries can make support more sustainable.
SUPPORT FOR SUPPORTERS
You may need support as well
Hearing that someone you care about is being harmed can affect you too.
You may need confidential advice about how to respond, particularly if you are worried about safety.
Specialist domestic and family violence services can often provide information to friends and family members as well as victim-survivors.
Seeking guidance for yourself does not mean making the situation about you.
It can help you become a safer and more sustainable source of support.
REMEMBER
You cannot rescue another person, but you can stand beside them
You may desperately want to make the abuse stop.
But responsibility for the violence belongs with the person choosing to use violence.
You cannot guarantee someone else's safety, force another adult to leave or make every decision on their behalf.
What you can do is listen.
Believe them.
Treat them with dignity.
Help them access information.
Remain alert to safety.
Respect their autonomy where possible.
And remind them that what is happening is not their fault.
Sometimes being the person who does not judge, disappear or take over is one of the most valuable forms of support you can offer.
RELATED INFORMATION
Learn more
Click on the title to access content
Domestic & Family Violence
Understand patterns of violence, intimidation, coercion and control.
Coercive Control
Learn how patterns of domination can affect autonomy, safety and everyday life.
Children & Young People
Understand how violence can affect children living within abusive environments.
Perpetrator Responsibility
Why responsibility for violence belongs with the person choosing to use it.
For Survivors
Information for people experiencing or recovering from violence and abuse.
You do not have to support someone alone
If someone you care about is experiencing violence or abuse, specialist services can help you understand the options available and think about safety.
You can support someone without becoming solely responsible for what happens next.